you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
the liver wants what the liver wants
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
