We won't sleep together?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
