I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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