dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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