Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
