ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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