Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
