He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
