drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
