Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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