Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
