Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
