There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
