Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
