remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
