Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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