i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
