Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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