i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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