3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
