3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
