I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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