its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
