Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
