I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
