I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Randomize
