I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
