my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
