seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
