Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
