I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My dick has a subreddit
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
