I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
