I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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