Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
