found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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