your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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