You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
