You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Are we still banned from the library?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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