1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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