I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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