I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
