Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
