I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
