Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
