she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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