come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
