I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
