My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
