she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Randomize
