Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
