I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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