this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
